Inside Snape's Thoughts
by hardcoreWWnut
Summary: My answer to Bridget Jones's Diary for Snape.


**Title : Snape's Life**

**Rating : PG - 13 **

**Warnings : Humor and Silliness.**

**Author Note : Please review! I may add more. This is set during book one.**

**Day One** : Longest day of my life, was stuck in classroom with Hogwarts teachers, Hagrid, Flich and Filch's cat. Have decided to begin paying Peeves with my secret wart potions, one flask each time he sticks said cat into suite of armor. Two flasks if she's hanging somewhere high or petrified. 

**Day Two** : Went to Diagon Alley today as Peeves took advantage of offer and now no longer have secret stash of nasty potions, very sad. 

_Students and/or Former Students I scared : Five, not bad. _

**Day Three** : Very bad day, Dumbledore..Frombaldore told me I can't actually _hurt _the students. Tried to hex him but he's a fast old blog, now have stuffed Gryffindor lion roaring on head for the next fourteen hours. Also, on a very depressing note, will have to be at Quidditch game tonight looking like this since Slytherin is playing and thus am required to attend. Will try to hex **McGonagall** and put a biting snake on her head. 

_Students I scared: One_

_Students that laughed at me : Countless gits. Very bad._

**Day Four** : Very good day. Last night's hexing went well! Yay to me. And Slytherins won, therefor was able to award them five hundred points and take away all of Gryfindors. **McGonagall** not looking to happy though. Also, loin gone, very, very good. 

_Students I scared : Twenty-nine, this is a truly wonderful day! _

**Day Six **: Yesterday went horribly wrong as have just gotten out of hospital wing. Approached Quirrel last night when he was going out, I tried to take his turban and he sent me flying into the chandler in the entry way. I still don't know why he was so upset, I told him I only wanted it because the Bloody Baron dumped out all my Extra Greasy shampoo so have to cover head to avoid students seeing hair with out grease. 

I ended up hanging from chandler for an hour and a half before Crabbe came by and _tired _to get me down. Stupid git however does not know what he's doing. Fell thirty feet down and saw many not so pretty starts for the last twenty hours. Have decided to forfeit his right to the 'Never Punish A Slytherin' rule and make him take additional charms lessons so does not happen again. 

One the bright side, Poppy left at one point during my stay in the hospital wing so was able to gather more ingredients for shampoo. 

_Students I scared : None. Very Bad._

**Day Seven** : Have decided to take advantage of weekend. Today, followed Quirrel, turns out he takes trips into the dark forest. Very confusing as he came back with this silver stuff dripping from his cloak. Look, very unbecoming. Do not want to know what he does in there. Wondering if he's gay though I don't think his current look could attract anyone, regardless of their sexual preference. Just as well, we're the only bachelors left in Hogwarts. 

Today's bonuses included, a long hot bubble bath with pink and yellow bubbles. Was also able to read an entire issue of "Important Potions For The Over Forty" that featured senior ailment drafts to be used on the young. As is potions and not hexing per say, I think I have a good change at using it on the Gryffindor's and getting away with it. 

_Students I Scared : Three. _

_Softness of Skin After Bubble Bath : Up 25 %. _

**Day Eight** : _Five _cauldrons were blown up today! _Five_! One, I can handle, on the inside at least, but five in just ridicules! Especially when they were all blown up by the same person, Neville Longbottom. And bloody Potter was working with him! I know he had something to do with it, as soon and I find out I'll make him pay. I'll show him I'm more that a .... a... what ever he thinks I am! Now if only I could find that list of single female Death Eaters I might be able to salvage this day. 

_Students I Scared : Two. Longbottom - I seem to frighten him in general, will begin walking past him everyday so can enjoy Student Scarring ability. Potter - Everything seems to frighten the child, not bad for me._

_Female Death Eaters Under 40 That I've Not Dated : Eleven. Very good. wait, Ten, one's pregnant not good for me. _

**Day Nine **: Had awful dream tonight, Potter saved the world from he-who-must-not-be-named yet again and _I_ rescued him! Very bad. So am sitting in kitchen eating chocolate chip cookies at 3:30 in the morning and watching Winky and Dobby make passes at each other, suspect they've had to much Butter Beer. Hope they have so they don't notice my dubber ducky slippers. Must find way to hide said slippers from others. 

**Day Ten** : Very peculiar thing happened today, went to speak with Quirrell 

and heard him speaking to someone. Am not sure who though since when I entered he was alone, however he was adjusting his turban. Methinks he's gay. Did, thankfully find out what silver liquid was, turns out it's hairless potion. Needs it since he used, with out my knowledge, the rainbow body wash I keep hidden in my private bathroom. Seems his head is all sorts of odd colors, serves him right! 

_Students I Scared _: _Nineteen._


End file.
